purple fish guts

Monday, January 31, 2005

Colgate update

My child has now decided that she does not like her toothpaste. Granted.... she is a 5 year old female.... so the word fickle definitely comes into play.

But, I believe there is something deeper that is hindering my child's full and unconditional acceptance of Watermelon Colgate for Kids. As I discussed a few days ago, Colgate for Kids would appear to be THE toothpaste against which all others are to be measured. It is also the one she selected, knowing full well that it and she would be spending several months working together in close quarters. And I must say, she was meticulous in her search. The celebrity dating/marriage ritual has far less rigorous standards. And in the end, this was the chosen one. This was her toothpaste.

But, not unlike many celebrity marriages, she anxiously escorted her prized possession home and gleefully popped open the bright green flip-top lid to find..... blue toothpaste. Yes.... ordinary blue toothpaste. Sure, it smells watermelony. And it has a strange watermelon-like taste. But does it look watermelony? No. It's not pink... or red.... or even green. It's blue. How can watermelon toothpaste be blue? It's just not natural. And kids know it.

Now being the dad, I've seen a variety of kid toothpastes.... Hello Kitty, Barbie, Princess, Dora, Blues Clues. And I know that it is within the abilities of toothpaste manufacturers to come up with just about any conceivable color. I mean... the Hello Kitty one was pink... with sparkles. Colgate could have certainly come up with something other than blue for watermelon. Blues Clues... blue. Watermelon.... red. It's natural. And kids know it.

And so, being a conscientious consumer and a long-time Perry Mason fan. I must follow Lileks lead and say to Colgate:

    The inventors and marketers deserve the chastening, enthusiasm-deflating Perry Head.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Random Kid Quote

[kid Z] Nobody can do magic. ...pause... Only musicians can.

It's Sunday Afternoon....

....and I've got a song going through my head.

On Sunday in the afternoon
On Sunday with nothin' to do
On Sunday I don't have to go to work
On Sunday

I don't care about things I have to do
I would rather spend my time with you
On Sunday..... in the afternoon

On Sunday..... with nothin' to do

On Sunday I can sleep until one
On Sunday I can lie in the sun
On Sunday I don't have to think about anyday
But Sunday

I just want to play guitar all day
Everything slips in a mellow haze
On Sunday..... with nothin' to do

On Sunday..... in the afternoon

Ironic... Huh. LOL.

It's by the band Cringer. If you've never heard of them, I'm not really surprised. Think low budget mid 90's pop-punk with just a touch of ska. If that doesn't make it crystal clear to you, Amazon's got some sound clips you can check out. Yeah... it's the one named Sunday.

While you're at it you should check out the song named Walk in Closet. We actually used it in our wedding. No, we didn't tell my parents it was from a punk CD.

Today, I actually laughed at Church. I mean.... I actually laughed at the appropriate time at Church. Laughing at Church isn't that uncommon.... but laughing when I'm supposed to.... that's pretty rare. You see, some friends of mine did a skit today. A skit I helped write. A skit whose sole purpose was to make fun of the pastor's sermon title. Now that's fun.

And now.... it's Sunday afternoon.... and I've got nothin' to do.

The Thought Project

Are you ever in a crowd thinking "I wonder what that person is thinking about? Do they think about the same things I do? Are they like me?" Simon Hogsberg attempted to discover what people think as they walk down the street by stopping them and asking them what they were thinking about the second before he stopped them. He recorded their answers and took their pictures.

Are they thinking about what I might think about?

"I was thinking about Spencer Roane who was a chief judge at the Virginia Court of Appeals in the late 18th and early 19th century and wondering whether or not he was a political ally of Daniel L Hilton...."

Not a chance...

"I was thinking about a Ramone's song. Actually, I cannot quite remember which song but it was a... Yes, Sheena is a Punk Rocker it is called. And why, I actually don't really know why I did. I think I've heard it sometime earlier today. At home, on a record...

A Ramone's song stuck in my head is much more likely.

Thanks J-Walk for the link.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Colgate for Kids

[kid Z] I don't like my toothpaste. Because before I spit, I can't talk a bit.


Look at it.

Is that not THE toothpaste for kids. It is even the one SHE picked out after laboriously studying every selection in the dental care aisle of our local Target store. It has all the vital ingredients. Bright green container... check. Smiling watermelon-like creatures with shiny teeth... check. Artificially sweetened watermelon flavor... check. Built in mouthwash... check. Flip-top lid unopenable by the average 5 year old... check. I mean, it's even got a major bonus. Its very own Colgate Kids World web site full of inane games that require ongoing translation from the nearest parent.

But no... my 5 year old drama princess has to find something wrong with it.

She can't talk until after she spits.


Friday, January 28, 2005

Military of the Future???

Have you guys seen these SWORDS robots the US military is working on?

From Military.com:

Different weapons can be interchanged on the system – the M16, the 240, 249 or 50-caliber machine guns, or the M202 –A1 with a 6mm rocket launcher. Soldiers operate the SWORDS by remote control, from up to 1,000 meters away. In testing, it's hit bulls eyes from as far as 2,000 meters away, Tordillos said. The only margin of error has been in sighting, he added.

"It can engage while on the move, but it's not as accurate," Tordillos said.

The system runs off AC power, lithium batteries or Singars rechargeable batteries. The control box weighs about 30 pounds, with two joysticks that control the robot platform and the weapon and a daylight viewable screen.

And from BBC News:

Mr Quinn says there are plans to replace the computer screen, joysticks and keypad in the remote-control unit with a Gameboy-style controller and virtual-reality goggles.

Now imagine what you would get if you take this kind of military technology and mix it together with the online-gaming culture.

I mean the US Army already has America's Army -- its own online first-person-shooter game. Add a few more years of technological advances and you could theoretically create an army of robot soldiers under the control of caffeine-enhanced computer junkies.... like me.

Yes.... it is a scary thought.... and it leaves me with two questions.

Where do I sign up? and Can I set my own taunts?

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Tropical Escape Dial....

.... don't fail me now.

-Ten AM Thursday morning-

[me] Girls, I'm going to go take a shower. You two be sweet and play nice.

[kid Z] Okay.

[kid A] ...........

[me] Girls, I'm going to go take a shower. You two be sweet and play nice.

[kid Z] Okay.

[kid A] ....... 'kay.

-A few minutes later-

[Z] Daddy. A scratch-ed my face.

[me] Why did she do that?

[Z] Because I accidentally pok-ed her in the eye.

[me] You accidentally poked her in the eye? How did you do that?

[Z] Well... I was going along like this....

(Insert mental picture of 5 year old girl taking small jerky steps with her right arm and index finger fully extended. Yes... it does resemble a Michael Jackson video.)

[Z] ..... and then I went like this.

(Same girl making repeated jabbing/stabbing gestures.)

[me] Oh. (chuckle)

-A few minutes later-

[Z] *sob* Daddy *sob* A *sob* *sob* scratch *sob* and *sob*.........

[me] What? I can't hear you. (mid-shampoo ya know)

[Z] *sob* Daddy. *sob* A scratch-ed me and pinch-ed me and pull-ed my hair. *sob* All at the same time. And it really hurt-ed. Really, really bad. *silence*

[me] Wow! She must be talented. I didn't know you could do all those things at once.

[Z] *sob* *laugh* *sob*

Enter Tropical Escape Dial and its "Fresh, aromatic scent of a tropical paradise".... according to Dial. It's an okay scent. Certainly not manly... but not french either. And definitely not worthy of the devotion Lileks bestows upon his cherished Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash. I'd probably describe it more along the lines of.... the smell of the dirty underbelly of a tropical paradise.... but then that's just me.

But.... on to the real question at hand.

Did the Tropical Escape Dial transform my shower experience and leave me with the sensation of being whisked away to a tropical paradise?

Ummmm.... perhaps a tropical paradise experiencing a violent military coup.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Reality TV Nightmares.....

.... brought to you by the "designers" at Trading Spaces.

Doug's "Whoa White" room, which includes all-white paint, art and furnishings, is not the dramatic and colorful transformation they hoped for.

Well duh.... EVERYTHING is white. Even the logs in the fireplace. Who in their right mind paints firewood? I mean... I've seen grade-B horror movies that wouldn't have accepted this as a set.

Hildi Santo-Tomas' plans for this dining room in Philadelphia start out easily enough—add some color, install new window treatments, paint the chairs, and put in a new table and a new light fixture. The result? The homeowners ask the production crew to take everything with them when they leave. Before the "Trading Spaces" truck pulls out of their driveway, the only trace of Hildi's "eggscelent" room is the black paint on the walls.

Uhhh... I think I would've made them repaint the walls too.

See these and more at MSN House & Home.


.... being shouted by my 2 year old daughter [kid A] was the chosen method for awakening the sleeping dad this morning. It reminded me of a conversation the girls (ages 2 and 5) were having a couple days ago.

[kid A] Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

[kid Z] It's NOT just about you A.

[kid A] ...eeeeeeeeeeee

[kid Z] It's about ME too.

[kid A] ME!

[kid Z] No A. It's all about YOU and ME. Right?

[kid A] ...pause...Yeah!

Ahhh.... what a perspective on life.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Twinkie Afterlife

So... you forgot to take that Twinkie out of the back pocket of the jeans you've been wearing for the last three days. It's smashed. The plastic has popped. The spongy cake-like substance's last barrier of protection has been compromised and the pocket lint invasion has begun. It borders on the unrecognizable with only the Twinkie logo distinguishing it from a curiously elongated bag of well aged scrambled eggs. What is to become of this once cherished food product?

Twinkie Tacos

Items Needed:

  • 2 Hostess Twinkies (mashed)
  • 2 Flour tortillas
  • Ground cinnamon
  • Sugar
  • Marshmallow whip
  • Maraschino cherries

DIRECTIONS: Fry tortilla in buttered frying pan until crispy and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. Spread mashed Twinkies on tortilla and top with warmed marshmallow whip and colored cherries! Ole!

You can find this and many more quasi-food creations at Planet Twinkie. I must say the Sushi looks.......... intriguing.

Wanna go out with me?

You will find out that I love reading strange news stories. This is my favorite today in the stupid criminal category. Two men robbed a pizza delivery girl, and then one of them proceded to call her up and apologize and ask her on a date. Like any reasonable, recently victimized woman she declined and gave the cops the man's cell phone number. When the cops showed up at their residence the pizza boxes with receipt were still there. Needless to say, they were arrested.

Did he really think he would get a date? What kind of girl falls for the "I'm sorry I just robbed you... Would you like to go out sometime?" Even in my foolish teenage years when my taste in boys was sometimes questionable I don't think I would have fallen for that one.

Monday, January 24, 2005


... definitely gonna have to do some work on the graphics around this place.... and I've gotta learn some html.

But that'll wait 'til morning.

Ummmm.... how does this work?

Uh.... yeah... I'm a noob.