purple fish guts

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Free Cat

Special Offer!!! Limited Time Only!!!

Call now to receive one gray tiger-style cat absolutely free.

That's right.... Free!

Yes... this is an amazing deal. As such, we receive many questions. I'll take a moment to answer a few of the more common ones.

Where did the cat come from? -- Good question. I'll explain. It seems that over the past week or so, a local stray cat has decided that the space beneath our mobile home is a nice place to live. It likes to hang out right under the bathroom where it claws at the insulation, meows, and makes thumping sounds on the pipes directly below the toilet.

Why are you getting rid of the cat? -- There is something quite disturbing about sitting on the toilet with a living creature banging around directly beneath you. You get the distinct feeling that at any moment it could rise from the depths of the toilet bowl with wet toilet paper clinging to its fur. --shudder--

How do I get my free cat? -- Your cat can be picked up locally. Or for an exorbitant fee, we'll tape it up in an old cardboard box, stab a couple of air holes in it and ship it via UPS.

Do you ship overseas? -- Sure. Why not?

Can I get a warranty? -- While we cannot offer an extended warranty... since we do not know how many lives this cat may have already used... we do offer a non-DOA guarantee. But remember... it is a free cat.

Other questions? -- Feel free to send us a message and we'll get back to you ASAP.

Still not sure a free cat is right for you?

Check out these testimonials from former free cat recipients just like you.

    "My girlfriend had to go to Chicago on a business trip. She asked me to take care of her cat while she was gone. I forgot. UPS delivered my free cat this afternoon and my girlfriend is coming home tonight. Free cat.... I owe you big-time on this one."

    "My wife was really bugging me. She hates cats. I got a cat. HAHA... vengeance is FREE!."

    "Just the other day I was helping my daughters decorate their Barbie Ski-Chalet. We all agreed that it really needed a bear-skin rug in front of the fireplace. We looked at all the options and found a free cat to be the most realistic and economical option. Barbie now has a beautiful black cat-skin rug. It definitely completes the look."

    "I've been wanting to let the cat out of the bag for quite some time.... and now with the help of a free cat... I finally can."

    "Errr... did you know that catgut strings aren't really made out of cats? Oh well... at least it was a free cat."

    "While writing my recent book Ten Ways to Kill Your Cat, I encountered unexpected problems. After documenting the first nine ways, my cat stopped responding. It just hung there... motionless... tail still stapled to the ceiling fan. Without a free cat I would not have been able to finish my book. Thanks free cat."

    "My cat and I recently finished filming Evel Catievel - a mini-series loosely based on the biography of Evel Knievel. During rehearsal, it became apparent that a stunt-double would be required for some of the more difficult action sequences. A free cat was just what the doctor ordered."

What could YOU do with a free cat?

Don't let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity pass you by. Order NOW!